realized

Yesterday was the test and today I came to the sudden realization that I wasn't afraid anymore. I started playing out "what if"
Scenarios and realized that, no matter what, I would figure out a way to handle it. We're still all recovering from the pain of walking over 16 miles with 20-30 pounds on our backs.

Today we walked about 9, which felt like it was almost over before it started. Pleasant, breezy and knowing we had a place to stay at the end, I could absorb the trees, water, mottled clouds and people along the way.
I feel like I'm developing a rhythm.

We are a day ahead of schedule. In Pottstown tonight which is yet another southeastern PA town that feels approachable and familiar.

Another long walk ahead tomorrow. Maybe 12 miles but I think we're ready.

difficult

Today was hard. Fear of the unknown ahead last night led to 4 hours of sleep. The actual unknown ahead led to a 16.2 mile walk before finding a hotel. In between was trees, river,sun,breezes, bugs, and by chance running into Maddy,the super nice shuttle driver who took us from Philly to Reading--who lives next to the town I grew up in, goes to the same church as my grandparents had and reminded me of how generous and genuine people can be around here.

Emotion seems to pop out in the weirdest instances fueled by lack of sleep and this strange trip. I have a realization that the past doesn't really seem so important anymore.

Exhausted, twitching, aching and sore. 16.2 miles closer. I'm amazed at my ability to move so far by moving my feet.

The hardest day.

close to it

You can be right on top of it but it's hard to get close to. Some things are maybe better from looking behind.

Standing in front of an old memory that's made distant--a combination of memories--an entire pile of time. It's like having someone tell you that a photo of you as a 2yr old is you and you believe them, then fabricate a possible memory around it. Then,later on,you tell people stories of you in that photograph that you don't remember.

I was there. I remember being there in that brick townhouse up the street from where I broke my arm and my parents sent me back to school. Earlier in the day I remember the spot that seemed familiar in the city as where I went 2 buses away with my mom when she finally took me to the emergency room. One memory cemented and a million other little ones locking this street and that turn into place. The rest is all new.

afraid

It is hard to decide that this matters--that reviewing something as personal as my life should be of interest to anyone, including me.
It's still there--i am in the middle of it and it's familiar but it is separate.

I'm afraid of being narcissistic.
I'm afraid of making it seem like I care.
It is much easier to care about others and help them figure out their way.

Vicarious living and personal avoidance.