memory log: Saturday, August 29, 2009

I had arranged for a shuttle to take us from Philly to Reading. The driver, Maddy, made me feel at home. Maybe there's a certain way of conversing in that area or maybe it's just certain people but the ease that i talked to her with isn't something that comes easy in Phoenix. Not only did she live in the area i used to live in but actually went to the same church as my entire Urso family once did. She probably even went to school with one of my cousins. We had a great drive with her and talked the whole time. It was foggy and gloomy outside and at one point i turned to my sister and told her i was starting to get a little freaked out. I looked down into the fog-filled valley that was supposed to be the Schuylkill River and pictured myself lost and vulnerable. I really began to think i was insane to ever concoct this idea. What was i thinking? Where was i going? I felt completely unprepared.

Maddy dropped us off right in front of Holy Rosary but we couldn't get in. My fear of clergy members kept me from knocking on the door and introducing myself to someone who surely knew my grandfather at one point. We bought some bread from a disinterested or hard of hearing cashier at the ATV bakery next door and set out.

At this point, it was all finding memories or almost forcing a recall of events. This sign, that restaurant, this bus stop, that hill. I thought by putting myself in these places i would feel instant nostalgia, but strangely enough, i didn't. Things felt familiar but even as i walked right past the townhouse we lived in for 7 years, nothing specific came to mind. No flashbacks, no remembrances. The only thing that hit me was the realization that my grandfather had died in the nursing home up the street from my house. It made me feel sad to think of him dying there in the place i had to get away from, not even knowing who he was or what he was doing anymore.

The landscape was all a place i knew and one that continues to insert itself into my dreams in one way or another. The streets, sidewalks, signs, buildings had shrunken. I felt momentarily silly for going back there. Iroquois Ave used to dead end into the woods and a pond. Now it was all developments and houses on the hill. We were at the dead end but then we walked through it.

That night was the worst night. My brain wouldn't let go of the fact that the next day i was really setting out into the unknown and dragging two people with me who i felt responsible for. All of my maps looked inadequate, un-detailed and incomplete. Even though we had already walked 8 miles of the first day, i felt like i hadn't really started yet. My nervousness combined with a giant mystery spider that kept trying to land itself on me from the ceiling (wasn't this a nightmare from my childhood?—forcing me to wonder if i had hallucinated it) kept me awake for most of the night. I calculated and re-calculated the amount of hours i would be able to sleep if i fell asleep at 2am, 3am, 4am...